My plane landed in Vancouver late on Tuesday evening after a wonderful girls weekend in New York, a trip I had dreamed of taking for months. I turned my cell off airplane mode, and a series of texts came up on my screen from my sister. My mom had gone into the hospital on Monday after taking a fall, and I had been getting my sister to update me with any news. My mom had been sick for a long time, frequently in and out of the hospital. We knew she didn't have a lot of time left, but my mom was stubborn; she would always rally. The first text said all was fine, her blood sugars were increasing and not to rush if I wanted to come down. The second text said things were taking a turn for the worse and she had been moved to ICU. I deboarded the plane, got to my car, and called my sister. In the span of only a few minutes my sister told me that my moms heart was failing and that they were asking if she wanted us to put her on life support. My sister wanted me to talk to my mom before that happened, knowing that we both needed to hear each other's voices one last time.
By the time my sister was able to call me to talk to my mom, she was unable to speak. My sister kept saying she was trying to say something, but the words were not coming out. I spoke to her, told her I loved her, told her I wished I was there.
My relationship with mother was complicated. We hadn't spoken in a few months and I had honestly thought we had more time to repair our relationship. I asked my sister to try to hold on until I could get to Kelowna. We quickly packed the kids up, took our dog to a friends house, and started the journey to Kelowna at 10:00 pm.
I managed to doze off around 2:30 am, and Kyle woke me up at 3:00 am outside Kelowna General Hospital, where I stumbled out of the car and up to her room. My dad and my younger sister were there, sitting in a room beside my mom, who was hooked up to machines and barely recognizable. We chatted, took turns saying goodbye, and agreed together that we wanted her not to suffer anymore and asked them to turn off life support. By 4:00 am on that Wednesday morning, my mother had passed away and myself, my sister, and my dad, walked to our car for a quiet ride home.
The next few days were a blur as we decided to plan the funeral for the upcoming Monday, leaving us with only a few days to get everything sorted. We sourced flowers, made brochures, ordered food, found a venue, and put together a slideshow and her euology. Slowly family trickled into town and on Saturday, my dad reminded us that it was our older sister's birthday the next day. Mimi, my older sister, is a year older than me, she is autistic, and needs full time support. My dad decided that he wanted to go ahead with her birthday and started inviting everyone that came into town. Birthday's were always important to my mom and we always went all out to celebrate the special day. By Saturday evening I realized that we had about 30 guests coming for her birthday on Sunday, and I needed to pivot from planning a funeral, and start planning a birthday party.
On Sunday, family came over to celebrate, and my youngest sister and I had managed to order pizza, buy a cake, and get some presents together for the party. My husband ran out to the store as more and more guests arrived and we needed to restock supplies. Guests showed up throughout the evening, and we crammed into my Dad's condo to visit with family and friends. By 10:00 pm, the final guests had left, we cleaned up from the party, and I started writing my euology as my husband finished putting together the slide show for the funeral the next day.
The next day I woke early, put the finishing touches on my eulogy, and started to prep for the funeral. My family has an amazing support system in Kelowna, and friends and family had stepped up to help pick up food and things needed for the day. By the time I arrived at the church, the food was being brought in, the tables were getting set up for the display, and I was able to focus on greeting guests and hugging loved ones. The funeral went smoothly, we had a reception to visit with guests after, and then we packed up and went home. We had only a few hours before the family dinner with our out of town guests and we all needed a little bit of quiet time.
By the time we left on Tuesday to drive home, I was emotionally spent. I walked through the next few weeks in a daze, following my routine, but barely present. I hadn't thought about how my kids would react following the death of their grandma, and I was massively unprepared for the impact it would have on their lives.
You see, my mom was an amazing grandma. She loved my kids so much and she spoiled them everytime she saw them. She would show up to every visit with gift bags full of treats and toys. Her passing left a big hole in their lifes. My oldest spent his days crying and trying to make it through the school day, but often coming home early. My middle child was angry, and barely made it through part of a school day before being sent home. And my youngest child would cry about how she lost her grandma and her school team would give her plenty of grace and space to process her emotions. We were all grieving and walking beside eachother on this journey that none of us were prepared for.
I did what I do best: pushed my feelings down, focused on supporting my kids, and tried to establish a routine for us. Parenting through grief has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do as a parent. The balance of trying to honor their feelings and emotions while processing my own, has been challenging. In all honesty, I am not sure I have started processing my feelings and have found it easier to sit in anger, than deal with grief. I am finding though that whether I deal with my grief or not, it starts to seap out into my daily life regardless of how hard I am pushing it away. I have taken baby steps to start processing it and am working through it with my counsellor. Writing this post is the first big step in my starting to process my grief and I am hoping to share more of my journey as it unfolds.
I hope that some of this resonates with you and if you ever need someone to connect with, I love speaking with parents. You can find me at This World's Ours Centre in Vancouver.
Take care,
Koryn
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